Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder Hardcover - 2009 - 1st Edition

Summary

Excerpt

The First Powder Test

âÈêIâÈçM DOCTOR PROCTOR,âÈë the professor said at last. His accent was guttural, making his voice sound like a badly oiled lawnmower. âÈêIâÈçm a crazy professor. Well, almost, anyway.âÈë He laughed a hearty, snorting sort of laugh and started watering his unmowed lawn with a green watering can.

Nilly, who was never one to say no to an interesting conversation, set down his trumpet, ran down his front steps and over to the fence, and asked, âÈêAnd just what makes you so sure that youâÈçre almost crazy, Mr. Proctor?âÈë

âÈêDoctor Proctor. Did you ever hear of a professor trying to invent a powder to prevent hay fever but ending up inventing a farting powder instead? No, I didnâÈçt think so. Quite a failure âÈö and pretty outrageous, isnâÈçt it?âÈë

âÈêWell, it depends,âÈë Nilly said, hopping up to sit on the fence. âÈêWhat does your farting powder do? Does it keep people from farting?âÈë

The professor laughed even louder. âÈêAh, if only it did. I could probably have found someone to buy my powder, then,âÈë he said. Suddenly he stopped watering the grass and stroked his chin, lost in thought. âÈêYouâÈçre on to something there, Nilly. If IâÈçd made the powder so it kept people from farting, then people could take it before going to parties or funerals. After all, there are lots of occasions when farting is inappropriate. I hadnâÈçt thought of that.âÈë He dropped the watering can in the grass and hurried off toward his little blue house. âÈêInteresting,âÈë he mumbled. âÈêMaybe I can just reverse the formula and create a non-fart powder.âÈë

âÈêWait!âÈë Nilly yelled. âÈêWait, Doctor Proctor.âÈë

Nilly jumped down from the fence, tumbling into the tall grass, and when he got up again, he couldnâÈçt see the professorâÈ'just his blue house and a side staircase that led down to an open cellar door. Nilly ran to the door as fast as his short legs could carry him. It was dark inside, but he could hear clattering and banging. Nilly knocked hard on the door frame.

âÈêCome in!âÈë the professor yelled from inside.

Nilly walked into the dimly lit cellar. He could vaguely make out an old, dismantled motorcycle with a sidecar by one wall. And a shelf with various Mickey Mouse figurines and a mason jar full of a light green powder, with a label in big letters that read DR. PROCTORâÈçS LIGHT GREEN POWDER! And underneath, in slightly smaller letters: âÈêA bright idea that may make the world a little more fun.âÈë

âÈêIs this the fart powder?âÈë Nilly asked.

âÈêNo, itâÈçs just a phosphorescent powder that makes you glow,âÈë said Doctor Proctor from somewhere in the darkness. âÈêA rather unsuccessful invention.âÈë

Then the professor emerged from the darkness with a lit flashlight in one hand and a snorkel mask in the other. âÈêWear this for safety during the experiment. IâÈçve reversed the process so that everything goes backward. Shut the door and watch out. Everything is connected to the light switch.âÈë

Nilly put on the face mask and pulled the door shut.

âÈêThanks,âÈë the professor said, flipping the light switch. The light came on, and a bunch of iron pipes that ran back and forth between a bunch of barrels, tanks, tubing, funnels, test tubes, and glass containers started trembling and groaning and rumbling and sputtering.

âÈêRemember to duck if you hear a bang!âÈë Doctor Proctor shouted over the noise. The glass containers had started simmering and boiling and smoking.

âÈêOkay!âÈë Nilly yelled, and right then there was a bang.

The bang was so loud that Nilly felt like earwax was being pressed into his head while at the same time his eyes were being pressed out. The light went off and it was pitch-black. And totally silent. Nilly found the flashlight on the floor and shone it on the professor, who was lying on his stomach with his hands over his head. Nilly tried to say something, but when he couldnâÈçt hear his own voice, he realized he had gone deaf. He stuck his right index finger into his left ear and twisted it around. Then he tried talking again. Now he could just barely hear something far away, as if there were a layer of elephant snail slime covering his eardrum.

âÈêThat was the loudest thing IâÈçve ever heard!âÈë he screamed.

âÈêEureka!âÈë Doctor Proctor yelled, leaping up, brushing off his coat, and pulling off the glasses that Nilly now realized werenâÈçt swim goggles but motorcycle goggles. The professorâÈçs whole face was coated in blackish gray powder except for two white rings where his goggles had been. Then he dashed over to one of the test tubes and poured the contents into a glass container with a strainer on top.

âÈêLook!âÈë Doctor Proctor exclaimed.

Nilly saw that there was a fine, light blue powder left in the strainer. The professor stuck a teaspoon into the powder and then into his mouth. âÈêMmm,âÈë he said. âÈêNo change in the flavor.âÈë Then he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Nilly could see the professorâÈçs face slowly turning red underneath the black soot.

âÈêWhat are you doing?âÈë Nilly asked.

âÈêIâÈçm trying to fart,âÈë the professor hissed through his clenched teeth. âÈêAnd itâÈçs not working. IsnâÈçt it great?âÈë

He smiled as he tried one more time. But as we all know, itâÈçs very hard to smile and fart at the same time, so Doctor Proctor gave up.

âÈêFinally IâÈçve invented something that can be used for something,âÈë he said, smiling. âÈêAn anti-fart powder.âÈë

âÈêCan I try?âÈë Nilly asked, nodding toward the strainer.

âÈêYou?âÈë the professor asked, looking at Nilly. The professor raised one bushy eyebrow and lowered the other bushy eyebrow so that Nilly could tell he didnâÈçt like the idea.

âÈêIâÈçve tested anti-fart powder before,âÈë Nilly quickly added.

âÈêOh really?âÈë the professor asked. âÈêWhere?âÈë

âÈêIn Prague,âÈë Nilly said.

âÈêReally? How did it go?âÈë the professor asked.

âÈêFine,âÈë Nilly replied, âÈêbut I farted.âÈë

âÈêGood,âÈë the professor said.

âÈêWhatâÈçs good?âÈë Nilly asked.

âÈêThat you farted. That means there isnâÈçt anything that prevents farting yet.âÈë He passed the spoon to Nilly. âÈêGo ahead. Take it.âÈë

Nilly filled the spoon and swallowed a mouthful.

âÈêWell?âÈë the professor asked.

âÈêJust a minute,âÈë Nilly mumbled with his mouth full of powder. âÈêIt sure is dry.âÈë

âÈêTry this,âÈë the professor said, holding out a bottle.

Nilly put the bottle to his lips and washed the powder down.

âÈêWhoa, thatâÈçs good,âÈë Nilly said, looking in vain for a label on the bottle. âÈêWhat is this?âÈë

âÈêDoctor ProctorâÈçs pear soda,âÈë the professor said. âÈêMostly water and sugar with a little dash of wormwood, elephant snail slime, and carbonationâÈö. Is something wrong?âÈë

The professor looked worriedly at Nilly, who had suddenly started coughing violently.

âÈêNo, no,âÈë said Nilly, his eyes tearing up. âÈêItâÈçs just that I didnâÈçt think elephant snails really existed âÈöâÈë

Bang!

Nilly looked up, frightened. The bang wasnâÈçt as loud as the first one that made him deaf for a minute, but this time Nilly had felt a strong tug on the seat of his pants and the cellar door had blown open.

âÈêOh no!âÈë Doctor Proctor said, hiding his face in his hands.

âÈêWhat was that?âÈë Nilly asked.

âÈêYou farrrrrrted!âÈë the professor yelled.

âÈêThat was a fart?âÈë Nilly whispered. âÈêIf it was, thatâÈçs the loudest fart IâÈçve ever heard.âÈë

âÈêIt must be the pear soda,âÈë the professor said. âÈêI should have known the mixture could be explosive.âÈë

Nilly started filling the spoon with more powder, but Doctor Proctor stopped him.

âÈêIâÈçm sorry, this isnâÈçt appropriate for children,âÈë he said.

âÈêSure it is,âÈë Nilly said. âÈêAll kids like to fart.âÈë

âÈêThatâÈçs absurd,âÈë Doctor Proctor said. âÈêFarts smell bad.âÈë

âÈêBut these farts donâÈçt smell,âÈë Nilly said.

The professor sniffed loudly. âÈêMmm,âÈë he said. âÈêInteresting, they donâÈçt smell.âÈë

âÈêDo you know what this invention could be used for?âÈë Nilly asked.

âÈêNo,âÈë Doctor Proctor said, which was the truth. âÈêDo you?âÈë

âÈêYes,âÈë Nilly said triumphantly. He crossed his arms and looked up at Doctor Proctor. âÈêI do.âÈë

And that was the beginning of what would become Doctor ProctorâÈçs Fart Powder.

But now NillyâÈçs mother was standing on the steps, yelling that he had to hurry because this was his first day at his new school. And thatâÈçs what the next chapter is about.

Âû 2007 H. Aschehoug

Media reviews

Citations

• Booklist, 01/01/2010, Page 79
• Bulletin of Ctr for Child Bks, 03/01/2010, Page 0
• Hornbook Guide to Children, 07/01/2010, Page 0
• Kirkus Review - Children, 11/15/2009, Page 0
• Publishers Weekly, 12/07/2009, Page 49
• School Library Journal, 03/01/2010, Page 120