The Dog Who Knew Too Much: A Chet and Bernie Mystery Paperback - 2012

Summary

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ONE


Was I proud of Bernie or what?

True, heâÈçd been pretty nervous going into this gig. I can always tell when BernieâÈçs nervousâÈ'which hardly ever happens, and never when weâÈçre in actionâÈ'because his smell sharpens a bit, although itâÈçs still the best human smell there is: apples, bourbon, salt and pepper. But now, up on the stage, he was doing great.

âÈêWhich, um,âÈë he was saying, âÈêreminds me of a joke. âÈêSort of. Maybe not a joke,âÈë he went on, turning a page, âÈêmore like aâÈ'âÈë and at that moment the whole wad of papers somehow jumped out of his hands, all the pages gliding down in different directions. He bent and started gathering them up. That gave me a chance, sitting a few rows back, to recoy or reconâÈ'or something like thatâÈ'the joint, always important in our line of work, as Bernie often said.

We were in a conference room at a hotel near the airport, and everyone in the audienceâÈ'maybe not quite as big as it had been at the beginning, when Bernie had tapped the microphone, a painful sound for me, pounding like drums right next to my ears, although no one else seemed to mind, cleared his throat, and said, âÈêCan, uh, you hear me all right?âÈë a terrific start, in my opinionâÈ' was a private eye, on account of this was the Great Western Private Eye Convention. WeâÈçre partners in the Little Detective Agency, me and Bernie, BernieâÈçs last name being Little. IâÈçm Chet, pure and simple, and weâÈçd been in business for almost as long as I could remember, although weâÈçd never been to a convention before. âÈêNot our thing,âÈë Bernie said, so that was that, until Georgie Malhouf, president of the Great Western Private Eye Association, offered Bernie five hundred bucks to give a speech.

âÈêA speech?âÈë Bernie had said.

âÈêTwenty minutes, tops,âÈë Georgie Malhouf told him. âÈêPlus questions.âÈë

âÈêIâÈçve never given a speech in my life.âÈë

âÈêSo what?âÈë said Georgie Malhouf. âÈêThere was also a time in your life when you hadnâÈçt had sex. Did that stop you?âÈë

That one zipped right by me, but the point was: five hundred bucks. Our finances were a mess. We hadnâÈçt worked an actual caseâÈ'not even divorce, which we hatedâÈ'in I didnâÈçt know how long, plus there was the hit weâÈçd taken from the tin futures thing, and donâÈçt get me started on the stacks and stacks of Hawaiian pants, locked away at our self-storage in Pedroia; we hadnâÈçt sold a single pair. Why they hadnâÈçt caught on was a mystery to me: didnâÈçt everybody love Hawaiian shirts? Bernie had lots of them, was wearing one of my favorites right now up on that stage, the blue number with the gold trumpets.

He picked up the pages, or most of them, and tried to get them back into some kind of order. Meanwhile, I heard feet shuffling out of the room behind me, and across the aisle I was sitting in both Mirabelli brothers seemed to be asleep, their mouths hanging open. On my other side sat Georgie Malhouf, a real skinny guy with sunken cheeks and a thick black mustache. ThereâÈçs something about mustaches that makes it hard for me to look away, so I didnâÈçt. After some time, I noticed that Georgie was looking at me, too.

âÈêOn the ball, arenâÈçt you?âÈë he said. âÈêJust like they say.âÈë

Ball? IâÈçm just about always in the mood to play ball. A very faint thought arose in my mind, something about this maybe not being a good time for playing ball; but it sank quickly away, and I kept my eyes on Georgie Malhouf, waiting for him to produce a ball from somewhere. No ball appeared. Georgie Malhouf was keeping his eyes, small and dark, on me.

âÈêTen grand sound about right?âÈë he said.

Numbers arenâÈçt my best thingâÈ'I stop at two, a perfect number in my opinionâÈ'but when it came to money anything with grand in it got us excited, me and Bernie. He was bumping us up to ten grand? BernieâÈçs speech was going even better than IâÈçd thought.

BAM BAM BAM. Bernie was tapping the microphone again. âÈêHear me all right?âÈë He glanced up at the audience, from which came no response, and then quickly down to the papers in his hand. For some reason, he was holding them kind of close to his face, and they werenâÈçt quite steady.

âÈêThis, uh, jokeâÈ'maybe more like a âÈöâÈë He lapsed into silence, a silence that seemed rather longâÈ'although the room was getting noisier, with more movement toward the doors behind meâÈ'then cleared his throat again, so forcefully it had to hurt, and said very loudly, almost a shout: âÈêRiddle!âÈë He toned it down a bit. âÈêRiddle. ThatâÈçs it. Here comes the riddle: What did the duck say to the horse?âÈë He glanced up in an abrupt sort of way and scanned the audience, what was left of it.

What did the duck say to the horse? Was that what Bernie had just said?

âÈêAnybody?âÈë Bernie said. âÈêDuck? Horse?âÈë

No response. I knew horses, of course, prima donnas each and every one. IâÈçd also had an encounter with a duck, in the middle of a lake in the border country on our way back from a case weâÈçd been working down Mexico way. Nipped me right on the nose, which came as a big surprise. But horses and ducks together? I had nothing to offer.

Up on stage, Bernie opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. âÈêâÈæWhy the long face?âÈçâÈë he said.

Silence.

Bernie reached out, maybe thinking of tapping the microphone again, but did not. âÈêDuck?âÈë he said. âÈêNoting the horseâÈçs different physiognomy, which was the topic of my speech, facial classifications? A funny little approach to the subject at hand?âÈë

More silence.

Bernie shuffled through the papers. âÈêAnd I guess that more or less âÈö brings us to the end of the prepared remarks.âÈë What was the word for when humans talk but you canâÈçt understand a thing? Muttering? Yeah. Bernie was muttering now. âÈêHappy to take any questions,âÈë he went on, or something like that.

There were no questions.

âÈêWell, then, itâÈçs time to, uh âÈö thanks. Yeah. Thanks. YouâÈçve been a great, um.âÈë Bernie raised his hand in a funny sort of wave, a page or two flying free, and started walking off the stage. Then came the applause. I heard it for sure, but my sense of hearingâÈçs probably better than yours, no offense.

âÈêFantastic, Bernie,âÈë Georgie Malhouf was saying. We were at a corner table in the bar of the airport hotel, and by now Bernie had stopped sweating. âÈêYouâÈçre a natural-born public speaker.âÈë

âÈêI am?âÈë

âÈêNever seen anything like it.âÈë A fresh round of drinks came, beer for Bernie and Georgie Malhouf, water in a nice big soup bowl for me. Georgie clinked BernieâÈçs glass. âÈêWhy the long face,âÈë he said. âÈêPriceless. When did you make that one up?âÈë

âÈêMake it up?âÈë said Bernie. âÈêCanâÈçt really say IâÈ'âÈë

âÈêNot just a natural-born public speaker,âÈë Georgie said, âÈêbut a natural-born communicator in general.âÈë He handed Bernie a check. âÈêHere you go, pal. Earned every penny.âÈë

I watched carefully till Bernie folded the check and put it in his pocket, not his shirt pocket, where weâÈçd run into problems before, or his back pants pocket, also unreliable once or twice in the past, but the front pants pocket, safe and sound with the car keys.

âÈêBourbon still your drink, Bernie?âÈë Georgie said. âÈêHow about a shot of something to go along with that beer?âÈë

âÈêA little early forâÈ'âÈë

âÈêMiss!âÈë

Two shots of bourbon arrived. Glasses got clinked again.

âÈêCommunicators arenâÈçt exactly thick on the ground in this business,âÈë Georgie said. I could make out a stretch of ground through the window, saw nothing but a parking lot with a red car pulling in. âÈêSo why donâÈçt I cut to the chase?âÈë

That was the kind of thing I liked to hear. I got my back paws up under me, ready to move.

Bernie lowered his glass, tilted his head slightly to one side. That was a sign of his brain clicking into gear, and BernieâÈçs brain was one of the best things we had going for us at the Little Detective Agency. His brain and my nose: plenty of perps now wearing orange jump suits can tell you about that combo.

âÈêLifeâÈçs not fair,âÈë Georgie went on, losing me right away. âÈêMan of your ability.âÈë He shook his head.

âÈêNo complaints,âÈë Bernie said.

âÈêSee, right thereâÈ'the quality factor,âÈë said Georgie. He took out a pack of cigarettes, offered one to Bernie. Bernie had quit smoking lots of times, but right now we were in the middle of one of his best efforts.

âÈêDonâÈçt think thereâÈçs smoking in here,âÈë Bernie said.

âÈêHotelâÈçs a client,âÈë said Georgie. âÈêLive a little.âÈë

They lit up. Bernie took a deep drag, let the smoke out with a sigh. Poor Bernie. Smoke drifted over toward me. I was smelling how pleasant it smelled when I noticed the red car parking right beside our ride. Our rideâÈçs a Porsche, but not the new fancy kind. ItâÈçs brown with yellow doors, very old, and the top went missing back when we were working the Hobbs case, a story for another time. A woman sat behind the wheel of the red car; she didnâÈçt seem in a hurry to get out.

Georgie sipped his drink. âÈêLike this bourbon?âÈë he said.

âÈêVery nice,âÈë Bernie said.

âÈêTell you the truth, Bern,âÈë Georgie began, and I missed some of what came next, on account of: Bern. Bernie hated that! In fact, the last guy whoâÈçd tried it, a carjacker from the East Valley, name escaping me at the moment, was now breaking rocks in the hot sun. Were we about to take down Georgie Malhouf? His mustache was really starting to bother me.

âÈêâÈö whole chainâÈçs a client,âÈë Georgie was saying, âÈêincluding the Arbuckle Palace in LA. Check out the world around us. SecurityâÈ'my kindâÈ'is only going to get bigger.âÈë

âÈêWhatâÈçs the other kind?âÈë Bernie said.

Georgie made a motion with his hand, like he was waving away flying insects, although there were none around. I always know when insects are around: theyâÈçre very noisy. Birds are much quieter when they fly, kind of crazy.

âÈêThe other kind,âÈë Georgie said, âÈêis the lone wolf.âÈë He leaned forward, wagged his finger at Bernie. âÈêHeaded for rapid extinction, Bern.âÈë Sometimes things go by so fast you canâÈçt keep up. For example, GeorgieâÈçs wagging finger had curly black hair on the back, always interesting, but there was no time to dwell on it, not if wolves were suddenly in the picture. I knew wolves, but only from Animal Planet. I glanced around the bar: no wolves, no creatures of any kind, except humans and me. But the fur on my neck was up and stiff.

âÈêIâÈçm offering you a job,âÈë Georgie said. He looked over at me. âÈêYou and Chet, of course.âÈë

âÈêYou mean you want to subcontract a case out to us?âÈë Bernie said.

âÈêNope,âÈë said Georgie. âÈêIâÈçm talking about a real permanent-type job, assistant VP Operations, Malhouf International Investigations, eighty-five K to start, plus benefits and two weeksâÈç paid vacation.âÈë

Bernie shook his head, a very quick side-to-side. CharlieâÈ' thatâÈçs BernieâÈçs kid, who we donâÈçt see nearly enough since the divorceâÈ'has the exact same headshake. All of a sudden Bernie looked younger.

Georgie sat back in his chair. His eyes, dark to begin with, darkened some more. âÈêNot even going to think about it?âÈë he said.

âÈêI appreciate the offer,âÈë Bernie said. âÈêBut it wouldnâÈçt be a good fit.âÈë

âÈêIâÈçll be the judge of that,âÈë Georgie said.

âÈêSee?âÈë said Bernie, and he laughed.

Bernie has a great laugh, so much fun to listen toâÈ'the way it comes from deep downâÈ'but Georgie didnâÈçt seem to be enjoying it. âÈêAlways considered you a serious individual, Bern,âÈë he said. âÈêMust be some reason youâÈçre not taking me seriously.âÈë

Bernie shrugged.

Georgie leaned forward. âÈêI do my research. That means I know what youâÈçve been making. Or not making, to put it more accurately. Christ, I know about the tin futures. And even the goddamn pants. What else? YouâÈçre late on your kidâÈçs tuition and youâÈçre upside down on your house.âÈë

Upside down on our house? I gave up on understanding Georgie. But whatever he was talking about seemed to have gotten to Bernie. When BernieâÈçs angry, a little jaw muscle starts clenching, and it was clenching now. He put down his drink and started to rise. âÈêThanks for the drink,âÈë he said. âÈêThe answerâÈçs no.âÈë

Georgie shrugged; I always watch for that one. âÈêGotta do what you gotta do,âÈë he said, rising too. He took something from his pocket, something that looked like another check, and held it out to Bernie.

âÈêWhatâÈçs this?âÈë Bernie said, not taking it.

âÈêTen grand,âÈë Georgie said.

âÈêWhat the hell?âÈë

âÈêNot for you.âÈë

âÈêWhat are you talking about?âÈë

âÈêItâÈçs for Chet.âÈë

âÈêI donâÈçt understand,âÈë Bernie said. Ten grand! Maybe it was a prize or something. IâÈçd once won a whole box of Slim Jims at an agility contest, but no time to go into that now. All I thought was: take the money!

âÈêI want to buy Chet,âÈë Georgie said. âÈêHave him come work for us.âÈë

What was this? Something without Bernie?

âÈêChetâÈçs not for sale,âÈë Bernie said. His face had gone pale, practically white. âÈêNot now, not ever.âÈë

âÈêFifteen grand,âÈë Georgie said. âÈêFinal offer.âÈë

Bernie didnâÈçt touch the ten-grand check. And as for the five-hundred-dollar checkâÈ'this was getting pretty complicated, with two checks in playâÈ'Bernie dug it out of his pocket and dropped it on the table. I was sorry to see it go, but only a bit. We walked out of the bar, me and Bernie. Was I proud of him or what?

Âû 2011 Spencer Quinn